Current Resident

by Tim Miller

Photo credit: Tim Miller

Photo credit: Tim Miller

June 14th, 2014

Dear Connie Fredricks, Managing Broker for Wondermore Real Estate,*

Hello Ms. Fredricks. Would you please remove our address from your mailing list?  We receive frequent brochures from your Company and are not interested in your Real Estate services at this time.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Current Resident

1022 Holiday Rd

San Marcos, WA 92078

*******

July 21st, 2014

Dear Connie Fredricks,

Can you please remove my address from your mailing list (2nd request)? 1022 Holiday Rd San Marcos, WA 92078. I would like to be environmentally friendly. If you’ve already done so, disregard this message.

Thank you.

Current Resident

1022 Holiday Rd

San Marcos, WA 92078

*******

August 28th, 2014

Hello,

This is my third attempt to be removed from your mailing list. Mr. & Mrs. Haaland no longer live at this address and I’d appreciate a reduction in my junk mail.

Current Resident

1022 Holiday Rd

San Marcos, WA 92078

*******

September 20th, 2014

Dear Madam,

Can you remove the following address from your mailing list?

Mr. and Mrs. Haaland Or Current Resident

1022 Holiday Road

San Marcos, WA 92078

The frequent mailings are arriving in San Marcos, CA. We are not in the least bit interested in your Real Estate services. Thank you. (This is my fourth request)

Current Resident

1022 Holiday Rd

San Marcos, WA 92078

Photo credit: Tim Miller

Photo credit: Tim Miller

*******

October 9th, 2014

Connie,

I’m taking time out of my day to once again request that you no longer send Real Estate brochures to 1022 Holiday Rd San Marcos, WA 92078. I understand that you are in the business of recruiting clients, but I am not looking to buy or sell in the foreseeable future, and already have a real estate agent that I’m comfortable with. Please, reduce the amount of paper your company uses, go green, and take my address off your mailing list. Thank you!

Current Resident

1022 Holiday Rd

San Marcos, WA 92078

*******

November 15th, 2014

Dear Irresponsible Business Leader,

Obviously you have blatantly ignored my repeated requests to get off your mailing list. Clearly, I have no intentions of hiring your company for any real estate needs.

For one thing, you can’t honor a simple request to reduce the amount of trees you murder in Washington sending off these brochures all over God knows where. Also, for a real estate broker, I’d think you’d be better in geography. There is no San Marcos in Washington.

I don’t mean to rant here, it’s that I’m frustrated because every month I have to toss your brochure, with your smiling face, into the recycling bin, needlessly. It’s very wasteful.

I understand junk mail, and businesses trying to reach more customers through advertisements in the mail. I know the economy is tough and advertising needs to be proactive- even aggressive. Businesses are not to blame, especially if the method is proven to work.

So when I saw that you are based in Seattle, Washington, and were mailing brochures to an address that doesn’t exist -in San Marcos, WA- I thought I would take a moment out of my day to alert you to this error, so that you could correct it and thus reduce the impact on the environment of your business. Every piece of paper counts. So I thought I would do the Earth a small favor.

Not only have I tried once, but repeatedly. Since you’ve been ignoring me, I’ve continued my attempts, on principle. In fact, this is my sixth try!  And the brochures keep coming. So I thought I would once more appeal to your humanity and our common ground of being residents of the Earth.

Please, save some paper and remove our address from your mailing list.

Current Resident

1022 Holiday Rd

San Marcos, WA 92078

Planet Earth

Photo credit: Tim Miller

Photo credit: Tim Miller

*******

December 23rd, 2014

What a surprise!  I opened my mailbox and saw your dumb smiling face again. Such joy!  Another Home Update installment from the Wondermore Real Estate Company! Since reading these installments, I really have started to wonder more! Once again, I rush indoors, tingling with excitement over volume 33106. It’s almost unfair that I’ve had to wait an entire month since volume 33105. Your enthralling market updates and precision pricing guides practically float in my dreams. The last issue has been the most insightful real estate brochure I’ve ever read! I’ve been anxiously waiting to see if you could repeat, nay even top such exquisite writing.

Breathless with anticipation, I rip open the brochure and turn as always to your eloquent, comforting, and sage “Things To Consider” section.

I have a Thing for you To Consider: you suck!

I’m sure if I emailed you with a request for real estate assistance, you’d respond in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you?  That’s because you’re selfish. Who cares that the world’s forests are shrinking, as long as Connie Fredricks has real estate business?  It’s unreal, how completely out of touch with reality and self-indulgent some people can be. Not to mention negligent.

You are wasting time, energy and resources sending these stupid, inane brochures to San Marcos, California, and probably don’t even realize it. No time to think of the postal worker that has to carry one more useless piece of paper, or the sanitation worker that has to lift my recycling bin. Well, why would you, if you have a healthy bottom line. No time for the details, when you have taxes to evade and vacations to plan. Shocking, the incompetence and sheer disregard of Corporate America!

Honestly, how much makeup do you need for your photograph?  And that haircut makes you look like a little boy with wrinkles. For a moment I thought it was Benjamin Button.

I could give two [redacted] that your son Aaron will begin to work as your business partner. Great, more nepotism in America!  Once again, a more qualified applicant is kicked to the curb because baby boy spent his college years getting wasted. Come work for mommy, in a few years you can make partner. It’s disgusting.

What’s that?  You and Nepotism Boy have been chosen by industry experts as one of Seattle Magazine’s Five Star Real Estate Agents, the top 5% of real estate agents in the Seattle area?  Well, that doesn’t speak very well of the overall intelligence of the Seattle Real Estate Industry, considering that you mail brochures to a town that doesn’t exist- in California!  So, basically, you’re saying 95% of Seattle real estate agents can’t find California on a map. Unbelievable.

Oh, and I’m not buying that whole Community Service Day bull on the back page. Every year your company joins together to complete neighborhood improvement projects?  What a lark!  That picture of a lady raking leaves is an insult to people who really do try to make a difference on this Earth, even small ones like reducing junk mail.

Who’s lawn is she raking? Aaron’s?

I almost vomited when I actually read your closing sentence. “An investment in our neighborhoods gives us all a better place to call home.”  Does that include the make believe ones, like San Marcos, Washington, or do you consider pollution and waste, in real communities like San Marcos, California, to be an investment.

So go ahead, keep mailing me your dumb brochures with your arrogant smile, and I’ll keep recycling them, because what difference does it make?  Just keep smiling and murdering the Earth!

How does anything we do matter in the grand scheme of the universe, anyway?

Current Resident

1022 Holiday Rd

San Marcos, WA 92078

*All names and addresses have been changed for the sake of the privacy of the author and the people he is angry with at Wondermore Real Estate.

About the author

Tim Miller lives and writes in San Marcos, CA.  Previously, he published a humor column in the North County Times that at least one other person thought was funny.  When he is not writing or teaching, he is pretending to be King Triton with his daughters. On these occasions, his voice can be described as gruff.
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